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Things are gtting better. I am getting stronger.
I miss him.... but... I understand that he is gone.
I understand that I must go on.

I have my runway/catalog modeling audition is JUST a week. Omygosh!! This could be my new life. I am so pumped and hopefully will do extra good this week <3

Thank you Lord for not leaving me.... Forgive me.

.......... how long til I go numb

Im lossing myself.... im going absolutely numb.. if only for ever. Its not long until the pain comes right back to me. I feel so lost..... I feel so helpless.

I want to forget everything. I dont.. no. But I just want the pain to go away. I know Im strong enough to get rhough it, but its so hard.

I said so many messed up things to Matthew on purpose. When will that kid leave me. I need out. Or my heart wont be able to take it...... I don't see real love. He's gone far away.. and my only choice is to be numb. Because I cannot bare this pain

The truth.

I showed him everything.... I showed him what I have been writing here. ... I prayed so hard... and just sent it all. I was shaking so hard. I was surprised he replied.....

I was surprised it didn't... stop him. He was talking about love.. and how unperfect this world is.. and how theres still hope. I was in shock.. I told him he does not understand how much I love Cj. At the end.. we just said goodbye. I told him theres no easier way.

I don't know how any of us will be able to live with all of this.

How I'm suppost to be without Cj.... while Matthew has to be alone without me...?

What is love?

......... I need to make a decision. I need to decide if I love Matthew or not. I cannot play with any more feelings. I felt what helplessness feels like... and the more I continue this on-off relationship with Matthew, the more we are involved.

I'm..... thinking about sending him his necklace back. I took it off today.......... I coulden't take it anymore. It felt like I was living a lie... If you ment those words.... We wouldent be so far apart.... You wouldent of said half the things you said to me.... I do not believe your words. And your actions barely spoke..... Exept when you saved me. And I will forever be grateful to you for what you did for me.

... But I do not love you. I don't think id ever do half the things to you that I did, if I loved you. I didn't love you from the start.... when I told you this wasen't a good idea. I didn't love you when I wanted to be away from you.. when I yelled at you.... There was so much doubt in my mind when we were together.... something just wasen't there. It didn't feel right.

And it does not feel right wearing your necklace, when my heart isn't yours. And with that profile of yours on that website..... I see that yours isn't mine either.

We've learned alot. Experience more than I ever thought I could experience. But I don't think I ever loved you. And I honestly don't think you love me the way you say you do.

Give that necklace to someone who will keep it safe.... and who will love you.

I might let him read my journal.... maybe he will understand more. But then.. I might not. This is... one of the scariest things I would ever do. But.. if it would make him understand.. I would take that risk to show him.

.............. God help me get through this and make the right choice

Time to move on?

A day dosen't go by where I don't think of you. A day dosen't go by without me looking at your picture... wondering where you are. Why do I love you so much? Why am I left without you?

Why am I left with your best friend, whom I do not love? how am I suppost to bear the pain? How am I suppost to tell him I can never be with him?

Why did you go.......... why did you leave us? Why am I alone in this? What would you do if you were here..?

I took Matthews necklace off today. I cannot wear Matthews, knowing I don't love him. I was remembering... when you and I talked. When you told me I should feel special Matthew would be giving me the necklace....

Why don't I feel special? Why do I feel like I am obligated..?
Why isn't my heart accepting it?

They say time heals all the pain.... but... it will never ever heal what all of this has done to me. It will never heal Matthew. It will never heal me.

Lord you are my only shelter, don't leave me in the rain.


Why dosen't Matthew ever understand? why can't I ever feel like I can talk to him...? Why isn't he ever there when I need to talk to him.... I don't understand.... and my heart cries out once again....

I see theres noone else left to mend it.

Its breaking my heart

It breaks my heart I will never see you. It breaks my heart I will never hug you. Not a day goes by without tears in my eyes. I feel so helpless............ Not a day goes by where I don't think of who you'd become. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. You spear my heart. You never said goodbye.. Someone tell me why....?

Why did you have to go? What are we suppost to be left with? What am I suppost to believe, when there are so many things to believe? I know there should be hope and faith.... and I haven't lost that. But... My heart hurts so much knowing I cannot share good moments with you. It hurts so much you could be all alone. It hurts so much I have no power to see.. or know you...

I don't know if I can go on. They say time heals.. but I don't know if it can. You will always be on my heart. I cannot fix it. I cannot forget it. I cannot forget the pain of not telling you goodbye.. I cannot sink in that you are gone forever. I cannot move on.


... omygosh... if you only knew how my heart was beating while your picture loaded... Your exacly it. Exacly what I thought you'd be. The Cj I knew you were :)

I am so thankful to Matthew. He listened to my heart... and let me see you. I told him about the dream I had.. he told me it was very close... that everything I explained told eveything about you guys. I wish I could see you again... this time... I woulden't let go. Of any of you... :)

Keep them safe Lord.

I guess this proves how much you can love someone without ever seeing them.... wow.. today is just.... something :)


I can't talk to Matthew ever...... I can never open up my heart to him. He never listens. He never understands. Maybe he will never understand all of this either.. My heart is bleeding once again..

The pain..

.... It just wont go away. No matter what I try to do, my thoughts always come right back to you.

I don't think things will ever be the same.

I cannot forget you. I cannot betray my heart. As crazy as this sounds... I love you. And I don't want to deny it. As crazy as it sounds.. I don't want to be with anyone. I must be crazy. I really must be. But I cannot stop. I've tried and I cannot.

How do I know more about you? How can I not break Matthew's heart? Should this be a secret? Or should I share the pain...


I had a flashback.

When I used to talk to you... When you were on Matthews facebook or his phone. I remember how excited I got. Not knowing why.

I remember how excited I was.. when I was flying to Matthew.. because I thought I would see you too. I remember how hard I was exercising, knowing I would be near you. Everything came right back to you. I feel like I am lost in a deep ocean. With noone to pull me out of it to the right direction.

I remember when Matthew told me you had a girl. How deep inside I wondered what she was like.. If she treated you right, and if you were happy. I always wondered who you were.  I always listened closely when Matthew told me about you.

I remember when Matthew told me you were away on vacation with your girl too, when I arrived at South Carolina. My heart sank alittle. But I blocked those thoughts. Tried not paying attention to them.

I remember when you told me...... you woulden't let anything bad happen to me.... that you promised Matthew you would always protect me. No matter what. I remember..... those words like it was yesterday.

I dont understand why we could never speak... or see eachother. Why God wasen't letting us see eachother. Was there a purpose?

I remember............................ when you called Matthew that one night I was with him, and left a voicemail of you making crazy sounds having sex, goofing around.

It stuck me like a lightning. I dont know if you were kidding or not.. but then it hit me. You are... with another girl.

And thats when..... I thought it'd be okay.... that If God chose Matthew for me.. then he chose him. And..... when I told Matthew I wanted to save my virginity for my husband.. its like it flew right out of his ears. He didn't listen... I dont think he cared.

We ended up doing it. ................And I cried as soon as he fell asleep. I knew what I have done. That I gave it to him, and now I would never be able to give it to....my husband. Something deep inside of me knew Matthew wont be him. My heart did not feel what it feels for you..

Call me absolutely crazy, but love is crazy. And now that you're gone... I think this proves how much I wasen't kidding.

When Matthew told me how you noticed my cross I gave to him, It made me smile. How you knew we had sex.. how you followed Matthew and got it out of him.

I wonder what you thought... I wonder what you felt. Did you feel... what my heart felt when I gave it to him...? That regret... did you feel... helpless?

I sure did.

I know you were a daredevil, thats for sure.. But i know you had a good heart like Matthew. The way you talked to me.... about love... telling me not to give up.. or be afraid of it.... something in your words was so warm. I didn't want to stop talking to you. When you told me that you were jealous.. I remember that day. I remember I stopped and thought to myself..... how do we ever fix this?

How I just went with the flow.... listening to Matthew..... And not crossing any lines with you. When I knew Matthew talked to you.. my heart lit up. I wondered how your voice sounded... How deep your heart was... if you ever felt what I felt too.............................

Guess It will only be a mystery.