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Silver wings

I feel better. It all feels better. God hears my cry and he answers my prayers... This is teaching me how to put my trust in him. He got me a job.. a swim instructing job that pays very well.. 400 a week for just a 2 hours a day. Its so beautiful I can't even put it into words. I will have some money to buy everything for the pageant. And to pay the fees if I wont be able to find a sponsor. But I feel it.. I feel like this is happening for a reason and I need to be stronger. I need to want this even more. I need to strive with my everything. I need to ask for help more. I know I can do this. Its a month away I have my best friend, a job, my workout videos, and everything I need here. I got this. And I am going to do this. It's such a big step to what I want in life and not everything will be perfect. The best things happen when we are not ready. and I need to continue trusting God and know that he won't leave me and allready has a plan for me.

So stressed out

Life is going so fast and I just can't get a grip on it. The pageant is 1 month away... I don't have money to buy anything. I got a job as a lifeguard/swim instructor but I know I still wont have enough. There are fees, and things I need to buy and I'm so scared I wont make it :'( I'm allready taking in consideration to not do it all together. Just owe them money and pay them when I can and be done with it. But I know how many people believe in me and that makes me so sad.... Why... why do they have to. Its my life and I can do whatever i want with it. But on the other hand I always felt like this was something off. I didn't trully like the idea of this pageant. Id rather model for a big company and be myself and feel beautiful. I have so many people believeing in me but you know what i think I might crack. I've been asking God to help me but maybe its just not been enough. I don't know what to do and I'm struggling. I'm at Stephs now and I want to go home but I don't. My heart is tearing up and It hurts so much.. the uncertanty. I know everything will be okay in the end I just wish I knew what this part of my life meant.

Fingers crossed.


What am I suppost to do? When I'm not beside you? What am I suppost to say when they ask me if I'm okay..

Who is there to blame when every guy is just the same..

What am I suppost to believe? When words slur like they don't mean a thing...

Who am I suppost to be? When people falling is all I see..

Where am I suppost to look? When all the places are full of hate..

The only answer that I know, is one that makes my heart melt slow
The one who gives me all the strength, to hope there is a better day.

To strive, to look, to keep my faith, that one day it will all make sence...


You've got to be strong, even when it hurts. You've got to make sence, even when it dosen't. You've got to believe in a better tomorrow, even when the sun goes down not promising it will come back tomorrow. You've got to stay strong, even when your hope is dying. You've got to find a better way, even when it all fails. You've got to keep smiling, even when your heart is breaking. You have to be strong for others. You can't give up. You are so much stronger than that.

- my heart

Its hard.

..... Its so hard. I cant even put it into words. I feel... useless. I feel almost worthless. I had so many dreams.... I feel like you took such a big part of me... walked away and left me here to die.

I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel paranoid. I want to prove so much.... That I can be independent... that I do not need you. Its such a hard time... So hard getting through the day... waking up.... faking that smile. Lieing to myself that I'm okay. You broke me. Bruised me. And used me...... What am i suppost to be left with..? How much longer am I going to cry....

..... It was all lies

Matthew came to visit again on April 15th. the 3rd week we got to spend together.

I felt like something was so wrong. He would shake and freak out everytime I would touch his phone. I got very suspitious, but I kept trusting him. He told me that there was a surprise in his phone for me, and thats why he didnt want me to see it. I trusted him, but knew inside it wasen't it. It felt so wrong. I was scared, but I knew I couldent trust him without evidence.

So one night I took it and we got in a HUGE fight in front of my family.... because he wouldent unlock the code. And It turned into me slapping him... and I was crying my eyes out... and he managed to get the phone from me and walked away..... when I was breaking down.

Thats when I realized he didnt really care about me. That his phone was more important to me. He made me go by the hottub that night and try to explain why.... but he didn't have an answer. I just pined him down... with my words. Telling him Im done. But the next day I forgave him..... And things went on.

Then my best friend texted me and asked me to call him on his phone since she knew I couldent call before 7 on my phone. So I asked if I could call.... and It was a miracle.... He gave me his phone. but told me to stay right by him... I asked why and he said He just had his last day and that he missed me and wanted to be close to me.. So I said okay.... Once I got started talking with her I moved around the room, and he was stuck right by me. Following me to every room I went. Then... As soon as he turned around I hurried into the bathroom and locked the door.

I quickly went through his messages............. And found the most disturbing things. He was talking to multiple girls.. About seeing them and that he had 1 more day left in California and how he is worth seeing. He told one to sleep with him. ... I was in shock. He was knocking on the door telling me to open it. I quickly wrote down one of the girls numbers and acted like I just got done talking to my friend and opened the door.

I was shaking. I felt like throwig up. But I acted like I didn't see anything. I didnt know what to do......

Later that day he was acting so weird.. I talked to the girl. and he knew because he called her and asked if a girl from California called her. He was on the couch with the most emptyest eyes... ive never seen him that way. I was avoiding him. I locked myself in a room and wouldet open it. So he climed through the window! He is crazy!! I was scared. He started telling me... that I was acting strange and we needed to talk.

He didnt know what I read and knew so he was being very shut. I told him to explain and he just stood there blank... I never ever seen him that way... He looked so cold.... so... scary. And then I said it all. I repeated everything dirty he said
and he just dropped. He looked like a psyco person. I was scared but I wasent giving up. He started saying that I was crazy and that what I read wasent there so I started slapping him SO hard then he caught my hand and told me hed call the police on this.. and me and my sisters and my cousin were soo afraid of him so we just ran out of the house and he stood there with the knife he tried opening my door with and told us to come to him. We just RAN. We were so scared. His eyes didnt look human. They looked so scary and empty.. Like when a criminal is caught. When he knows hes busted.

We called my parents and they came and my Dad told him he had to go.... I was so happy he was ashamed in front of my whole family. That everyone knew what a liar he was. He followed me and asked many times to talk to me before he went. I rejected. I gave him enough changes before all of this happened.

I felt so betrayed as I saw him drive off to the airport.....................

I couldent believe it. I was still in shock. But I was praying soo hard this whole time, that if I needed to know something about him that I would find out. And God helped me catch him. I don't know how I was strong enough to do it. But I am so thankful I did.

I was so hurt the first 2 days. NEVER in my life did I ever think he could of done this to me :( Ever. I couldent believe it. Tears fell on my face like.... when Cj died. and... because I found out he lied about seeing and being sexual with other girls... I dont know what else he lied about..... So I am in fear EVERYTHING he said was a lie.

I blocked him everywhere. My phone, texts, facebook. everything. He tried contacting me but I blocked him. He wrote my sister  but she baely responded. I dont know what hes doing right now.... Probably seeing other girls. But all I know is that Lord was mercyful unto me and I found out the truth and he went home with shame.

And I never want to see him again. If he only knew what he lost.

Tomorrow Im going to Vegas with my best girls. and you know what... It might still hurt so bad.... but I know Im strong enough to get through this. To know how much better I am without him. That I gave a slumdog a chance. Someone who didnt deserve me so bad. And he went and lied about everything. I think he is a sick person. That he is damaged in the head.

Because a normal person wouldent be able to lie about all his life.... and have the look in his eyes like I saw him. I just pray he recognizes his mistake and NEVER puts through any other girl what he put me through.

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon us sinners.

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Days go by.... And I'm still without you. Even my forgetful mind... I cannot forget you. I miss you.... and wonder where you are.... Are you with God.....? Or are you alone and helpless?

I want to hud you so much... I could of........ but Matthew just didn't let me. My heart will never stop bleeding from that.

Matthews coming here in 2 weeks for my birthday..... I dont know what Im going to do. I want it over so bad....... I pray so hard I wont be sucked in again. What do I say...... how can I ever hug him?

I have my modeling audition in 2 weeks too... Been stressing over that. I really hope things look up soon... and that... I will have the strength to get through this all </3

The pain.......

The pain... just dosent go away.......................... I dont understand why I cry every night... Why no matter what nothing changes. Matthew never changes. He can never be you. Im stuck with everything. Im caught in the middle.......... :'( With noone to cry out to.

Hes still coming for my birthday and I hate it..... Bcause I cant stop him. My family wants to meet him... and now its too late. I dont want to get involved again. I dont want to realize Ive missed him.

He does not make me happy..........:"( He has made me miserable. And I dont want that in my life. Ive suffered enough.

And now youre gone Cj.... Im left alone.

I missed my chance at this runway/catalog audition...... and now just.... everything seems to be falling apart. I dont know how things are going to get better..............



You know that feeling when you KNOW... its over with somebody? When you know that it will never be the same?

Well.. im feeling exacly that.

Matthew and I are done. For good. And Honestly... I am so glad we finally are. Part of me hurts.. ofcourse.... these things don't happen without the pain. But honestly.... I just cant believe i'm actually free from him. From all his manipulating ways.

Oh how my heart still wishes Cj was alive.................... :'(

But I must be strong. And I must go on. And I am going to be strong without him.
He bought a ticket to come here for my birthday... in a month.. and I honestly wish with all my heart he dosen't come. Or if he does..... to make him realize I will never be his.